Life Abroad, Over bored

Being an expat living in a country that is completely different from where I grew up is quite challenging.

I've been living (Uh, living... not really living in a sensible definition) in the Island in the gulf for almost 4 years. I feel like time flies so fast just thinking that it's going to be 4 years already that I've been here, though I have went home twice in that span of time.

When I was younger, I've been itching of finding a work abroad and leave my country for the purpose of being in a different environment, earning a bit more, and to experience what life is like in a foreign land.

I was so excited back then. Planning a new life and thinking of all the possibilities of learning and doors of opportunities just added excitement to my itching spirit.

The first few months was quite overwhelming. It's not my first time to be in a foreign land but the thought of all the opportunities that awaits me made my spirit soared high. And besides I thought there are many places to explore and experiences to embrace.

I've seen some places and quite enjoyed the experience. How I wanted to stay and live in the Island. Then months past by, the longing slowly fades away.

I have cried my heart out not because of homesickness but because of boredom. I felt stuck. This is not the life that I've been planning of. I felt so up against the wall. I know that I have a choice but sometimes it's not that easy to just pack and change course. So I stayed then found another job. I thought I was back on track again. The new job excited me.

At least it's something different and just the thought of having the perk of getting a yearly flight ticket going home is just so great. Where else can I find a company that would provide me a yearly flight ticket going home? I'm so overwhelmed again and I felt that everything just falls in the right place and even my work schedule and location were just perfect.

After almost 8 months in my job, I was able to go home. It felt wonderful. After all it's been more than 2 years that I didn't set foot on my own country. But the vacation was over before I knew it. One month just flew pretty fast. I've been dreading to go back. I have to go back. I just can't turn my back and decide that I don't want to go back. I'm not sure what I wanted to do so I have to stick to my job until I figured out what I really want in life.

But until now, I still don't know what to do. I don't know what I want. Or perhaps for once, I've had figured out what I wanted but the sad thing is the decision is not entirely up to me to decide. It just gets complicated (I don't mind complication though if only he'll stay with me) when there is another person involves in that decision making especially because right now he's not sure that he still wants to walk with me. Or is it safe to say that he no longer wants to walk with me. And the truth is, I now feel alone and lost in my journey but I'm trying hard to be fine though. But I just can't hide it, I'm not fine. Maybe one day I will.. just maybe...