Till my heartaches end...

Till my heartaches end...

     I've been really feeling so gloomy and down these past few days but I guess I've been able to handle it pretty well. One has to be strong in this cruel world. At least I still have good friends who cheer me up. 

     I admit that I still find myself in tears every now and then. Sure it's not easy to get over you but maybe one day, I'll understand why things just didn't work out just the way we planned. I still admit though that I still have this little hope that you'll still find your way back to me. If not, then I guess it is what it is. I won't beg you to stay. I hope you're happy though.

     A big thank you to all my friends who cheer me up. It's still good to have people who listen to you and make you feel that they care about you. I'm still blessed though.

    

Life Abroad, Over bored

Being an expat living in a country that is completely different from where I grew up is quite challenging.

I've been living (Uh, living... not really living in a sensible definition) in the Island in the gulf for almost 4 years. I feel like time flies so fast just thinking that it's going to be 4 years already that I've been here, though I have went home twice in that span of time.

When I was younger, I've been itching of finding a work abroad and leave my country for the purpose of being in a different environment, earning a bit more, and to experience what life is like in a foreign land.

I was so excited back then. Planning a new life and thinking of all the possibilities of learning and doors of opportunities just added excitement to my itching spirit.

The first few months was quite overwhelming. It's not my first time to be in a foreign land but the thought of all the opportunities that awaits me made my spirit soared high. And besides I thought there are many places to explore and experiences to embrace.

I've seen some places and quite enjoyed the experience. How I wanted to stay and live in the Island. Then months past by, the longing slowly fades away.

I have cried my heart out not because of homesickness but because of boredom. I felt stuck. This is not the life that I've been planning of. I felt so up against the wall. I know that I have a choice but sometimes it's not that easy to just pack and change course. So I stayed then found another job. I thought I was back on track again. The new job excited me.

At least it's something different and just the thought of having the perk of getting a yearly flight ticket going home is just so great. Where else can I find a company that would provide me a yearly flight ticket going home? I'm so overwhelmed again and I felt that everything just falls in the right place and even my work schedule and location were just perfect.

After almost 8 months in my job, I was able to go home. It felt wonderful. After all it's been more than 2 years that I didn't set foot on my own country. But the vacation was over before I knew it. One month just flew pretty fast. I've been dreading to go back. I have to go back. I just can't turn my back and decide that I don't want to go back. I'm not sure what I wanted to do so I have to stick to my job until I figured out what I really want in life.

But until now, I still don't know what to do. I don't know what I want. Or perhaps for once, I've had figured out what I wanted but the sad thing is the decision is not entirely up to me to decide. It just gets complicated (I don't mind complication though if only he'll stay with me) when there is another person involves in that decision making especially because right now he's not sure that he still wants to walk with me. Or is it safe to say that he no longer wants to walk with me. And the truth is, I now feel alone and lost in my journey but I'm trying hard to be fine though. But I just can't hide it, I'm not fine. Maybe one day I will.. just maybe...

life

I learned that life is not like a movie that when somebody loves you, he'll do whatever it takes to keep you and love you. Reality is, the people whom you think will never leave you will eventually leave. The love that you thought that will be yours forever will be lost. It's not like a movie where when relationship falls apart, there's a second chance. Sometimes it's just like that. You lose everything all at once and there's nothing you can do but watch your life crumble down. 

If only crying could heal everything. If only you could have a selective amnesia so you could chose to forget those parts that tear your heart into a million pieces. If only you could just completely throw the screenplay of your life and forget all about it and start a new story without being bothered by the last. If only... But it's not like that... Life is tough and people can be so cruel. You too perhaps are cruel at some point but you know that deep down you still have that fragile heart and emotion that makes you so vulnerable and is capable of breaking down. 

Just a thought

I trully believe that if a man really loves you, he'll find ways to make you feel loved and special no matter where he is. 

Long distance relationship sucks sometimes. It's just sad that not all your expectations will be met (not that you are expecting it... Just hoping I guess) Sometimes you wonder if he still loves you or not and I guess you can't blame yourself if you feel jealous or bad because he's supposed to  tell you he loves you everyday and he's supposed to make you feel loved everyday. 

It's sad, he just can't do it I guess... 

Breathe in, breather out

So no matter what is going on in my life right now, I still know that everything is going to be alright. I don't want to stress myself over work, where my life is heading, relationship, and things like that. One day, everything is going to make perfect sense. 

Just like what my coworker reminded me:

Someday everything will make perfect sense... So for now laugh through the confusion... Smile through the tears...and keep reminding.. Everything happens for a reason...

I don't want to think that I'm feeling bored but I want to be anywhere but here. I'm still dreaming of a getaway... in a beach, barefoot with the cool wind and the sound of the waves crashing to the shore.

While sitting here in the office, counting the hours and the days and months, I'm wondering, yes still wondering where I will be this time next year. 

I know I'm still lucky and blessed to have a job but I still want to find my passion. I'm thinking of teaching preschoolers. It sure is a lot more fun than dealing with adults exchanging currencies or sending money. 

I know at some point in my life, I dreamt of being here but I feel like I've been here for too long. I know I've never really stayed long enough in my job. I just think that I should try other jobs and keep looking for the one that I enjoy doing rather than dragging myself to work everyday and dreading coming to work. 

I think I'm almost in the verge of throwing up whenever I think about work. I'm not just very happy about being where I am now. Okay so, I just have to remind myself that I'm not going to do this forever. I will find my passion (Awww but I have to wait till next year because of some plans that I don't want to screw up) and follow what I want to do. I should do something that makes me happy and look forward to a new day everyday. 

I still believe everything's going to be okay. I'll keep my faith and I know God has a better plan for me. :-)

Tired...

Counting the months and the days... I'm in the verge of getting tired of being here... I wanna be somewhere else... I wanna go home... I miss my old job in the Phil. I miss teaching online***deep sigh***  oh God! Please give me more patience and understanding...

Just a thought

Breathe in, breathe out... Lucky those date palms swaying to the rhythm of the wind. They seem to be enjoying every bit of their day. 

I watch them and I'm drifted to a summer in the beach in flip flops and sipping mojito, enjoying the cool breeze and watching the waves go rushing to the shore.

I think I'm missing life. I know I'm not a tree and I can change my situation now but I guess for now I'm up against the wall. I won't be doing this forever and won't be here forever so I guess I just have to take things easy. This soon shall pass...

I still wish I'm out there in the beach listening to the waves instead of hearing the cars passing by... 

Soon... 🌴☀️🍉🏊🌻

You're amazing

This time last year, you opened my heart and made me believe that soul mates do exist, that someone is destined for me, and you made all those dreams that I have come true, you're an answer to my prayers. I'm no longer waiting in line nor searching for that one man that would prove to me that there's a soul mate and a destiny. 

I just want to let you know that I am thankful and I'm so blessed being loved by you. You are amazing! I can't ask for anything else in this world. Maybe you don't have any idea how happy I am for finding a place in your heart. Do you know how happy I am when I hear your voice? How I get excited when I hear my phone rings and see your name in there? How I get so conscious when we're talking and when you're looking at me? You still give me butterflies. 

When I look at you and I see the smiles in your eyes, my heart jumps in joy. I love the way you laugh, the way you talk, the way you call me, the way you make me feel loved, the way you care, the way you comfort me, the way you tease me, the way you treat me, I love every single way that you do for me. I love the way you love me. I love you in every single way.

Thank you babe for showing me what true love is. Thank you for believing in us.Thank you for being my best friend,my man,  my lover, my soul mate, my one true love. I just want you to know that the most wonderful thing I decided to do was to share my life and heart with you.  I love you always .xoxo

Life offshore

You sleep then wake up the following day, be a functioning adult, work to earn and at the end of the day, be glad that it's over then do the same stuff again. 

I used to dream of working offshore, be in a different environment and be challenged in the differences in culture... Now I feel like my excitement in living here slowly fades... I feel like I'm a zombie, just working to live... Except that of course zombies eat to live (oh no, they're dead they don't eat to live, they eat because that's what they have to do).  Uh, am I becoming a zombie? Just working because I have to? The fact is I don't really have to be here if I don't want to... I don't have my kids to feed or some serious obligations to fulfill... Oh, I guess I'm just trying to be a functioning adult... Isn't that fun? No, not at all. The thing is I still don't know what I really want... But I wanna go to Vietnam and try it there. I guess my heart still belongs to teaching. 

Someday soon, I know I'll be leaving this place and maybe I'll miss this place...I can't wait to miss this place.

Good morning!

It feels so good to wake up not being bothered by the alarm or the time running out. Woke up a bit late after staying up late... That's balance I guess ;-)

Lazy and cozy... 

Going home

After two long years... Actually it didn't really seem so long but I'm glad I'm coming home. Waiting for my departure... 

And I love you so

So you maybe far far away but that doesn't and won't stop me from loving you. You know that I'll just be right here waiting for you whatever it takes. You're one of the bestest blessings 

in my life and I just can't thank God enough for blessing me with a love like you. 

A visit from the past

I wish I'm a child again, worrying nothing, day dreaming, playing till mealtime, just doing all those stuff that kids do. 

I have a great childhood and now I just can't help but reminisce those memories. Those times during school vacation where my siblings and I would just go to the farm at the back of our house and build a shack and pretend that it's our house then we would mould some clay and make some pots out of if and would cook some stuff out of leaves, and seeds and other stuff. 

I think it's a wonderful escape walking down memory lane. 

Things have sure changed a lot. I'm still thankful that I have those great memories to look back. I miss being a child again.

You're like the cup of coffee that I made today - blunt! I dont understand you at times. Somehow, I'm feeling like you're being so blunt. Maybe you dont care about how I feel. I thought you understand me. You're being insensitive at times. When can you understand me? If you're having a rough day, you should have at least tell me, so I would understand why I'm not hearing from you.
Is it just because you know that I trully love you that you're just taking advantage of my feelings by not keeping your words?
How can I understand you if you're not making me understand you?
There are times that I feel like we're going nowhere.
Should I hold on?

At the end of the day

I'm thankful because at the end of the day I have no worries for tomorrow. Though there were some bad moments at work but at the end of the day, I'm thankful for no bad incidents happened. 

Hope this month will be a good one. Thank God! 

Thankful

I'm just thankful for today. I believe miracles happen and that God is always watching over me. And so I thank God for so many things.

Feeling blessed 🙏

Thoughts...

A few years ago, how I longed to come here. How I longed to see this place and experience life here. Now that I'm here and it's almost a couple of years of being here, I'm a bit tired of my routine.

I don't hate my life here, but I don't really like it either. Sometimes I think people who are doing what they want and being where they want to be are very lucky. 

They said you can change where you are, you're not a tree - how I wish it's that easy. Reality is, things are not always as easy as they seem to be. ***deep sigh***

Alright, everything's gonna be alright. I know. 

Out of the blue

So I was feeling all bored and I was wondering where I would be 365 days from now when I decided to check my inbox and unexpectedly I got an email from my "used to be" online student. It's been years since I've heard from her and I never thought that I would hear from her again. I feel so happy being remembered. Now, I suddenly miss my old job. I miss being an online-teacher. I still prefer that job over the job that I have right now. Teaching is still more fulfilling compared to my job right now. 😟

It makes me smile...

It makes me smile when you remember all the little things that I never thought you would remember.

It makes me smile the way you call me yours and the way you get greedy in wanting me all to yourself.

It makes me smile when you sing me a song and the way you laugh after singing. 

It makes me smile when you tease me.

It makes me smile the way you call my name. 

It makes me smile knowing I have you.

It makes me smile knowing that you love me. 😊