Till my heartaches end...

Till my heartaches end...

     I've been really feeling so gloomy and down these past few days but I guess I've been able to handle it pretty well. One has to be strong in this cruel world. At least I still have good friends who cheer me up. 

     I admit that I still find myself in tears every now and then. Sure it's not easy to get over you but maybe one day, I'll understand why things just didn't work out just the way we planned. I still admit though that I still have this little hope that you'll still find your way back to me. If not, then I guess it is what it is. I won't beg you to stay. I hope you're happy though.

     A big thank you to all my friends who cheer me up. It's still good to have people who listen to you and make you feel that they care about you. I'm still blessed though.

    

Life Abroad, Over bored

Being an expat living in a country that is completely different from where I grew up is quite challenging.

I've been living (Uh, living... not really living in a sensible definition) in the Island in the gulf for almost 4 years. I feel like time flies so fast just thinking that it's going to be 4 years already that I've been here, though I have went home twice in that span of time.

When I was younger, I've been itching of finding a work abroad and leave my country for the purpose of being in a different environment, earning a bit more, and to experience what life is like in a foreign land.

I was so excited back then. Planning a new life and thinking of all the possibilities of learning and doors of opportunities just added excitement to my itching spirit.

The first few months was quite overwhelming. It's not my first time to be in a foreign land but the thought of all the opportunities that awaits me made my spirit soared high. And besides I thought there are many places to explore and experiences to embrace.

I've seen some places and quite enjoyed the experience. How I wanted to stay and live in the Island. Then months past by, the longing slowly fades away.

I have cried my heart out not because of homesickness but because of boredom. I felt stuck. This is not the life that I've been planning of. I felt so up against the wall. I know that I have a choice but sometimes it's not that easy to just pack and change course. So I stayed then found another job. I thought I was back on track again. The new job excited me.

At least it's something different and just the thought of having the perk of getting a yearly flight ticket going home is just so great. Where else can I find a company that would provide me a yearly flight ticket going home? I'm so overwhelmed again and I felt that everything just falls in the right place and even my work schedule and location were just perfect.

After almost 8 months in my job, I was able to go home. It felt wonderful. After all it's been more than 2 years that I didn't set foot on my own country. But the vacation was over before I knew it. One month just flew pretty fast. I've been dreading to go back. I have to go back. I just can't turn my back and decide that I don't want to go back. I'm not sure what I wanted to do so I have to stick to my job until I figured out what I really want in life.

But until now, I still don't know what to do. I don't know what I want. Or perhaps for once, I've had figured out what I wanted but the sad thing is the decision is not entirely up to me to decide. It just gets complicated (I don't mind complication though if only he'll stay with me) when there is another person involves in that decision making especially because right now he's not sure that he still wants to walk with me. Or is it safe to say that he no longer wants to walk with me. And the truth is, I now feel alone and lost in my journey but I'm trying hard to be fine though. But I just can't hide it, I'm not fine. Maybe one day I will.. just maybe...

life

I learned that life is not like a movie that when somebody loves you, he'll do whatever it takes to keep you and love you. Reality is, the people whom you think will never leave you will eventually leave. The love that you thought that will be yours forever will be lost. It's not like a movie where when relationship falls apart, there's a second chance. Sometimes it's just like that. You lose everything all at once and there's nothing you can do but watch your life crumble down. 

If only crying could heal everything. If only you could have a selective amnesia so you could chose to forget those parts that tear your heart into a million pieces. If only you could just completely throw the screenplay of your life and forget all about it and start a new story without being bothered by the last. If only... But it's not like that... Life is tough and people can be so cruel. You too perhaps are cruel at some point but you know that deep down you still have that fragile heart and emotion that makes you so vulnerable and is capable of breaking down. 

Just a thought

I trully believe that if a man really loves you, he'll find ways to make you feel loved and special no matter where he is. 

Long distance relationship sucks sometimes. It's just sad that not all your expectations will be met (not that you are expecting it... Just hoping I guess) Sometimes you wonder if he still loves you or not and I guess you can't blame yourself if you feel jealous or bad because he's supposed to  tell you he loves you everyday and he's supposed to make you feel loved everyday. 

It's sad, he just can't do it I guess... 

Breathe in, breather out

So no matter what is going on in my life right now, I still know that everything is going to be alright. I don't want to stress myself over work, where my life is heading, relationship, and things like that. One day, everything is going to make perfect sense. 

Just like what my coworker reminded me:

Someday everything will make perfect sense... So for now laugh through the confusion... Smile through the tears...and keep reminding.. Everything happens for a reason...

I don't want to think that I'm feeling bored but I want to be anywhere but here. I'm still dreaming of a getaway... in a beach, barefoot with the cool wind and the sound of the waves crashing to the shore.

While sitting here in the office, counting the hours and the days and months, I'm wondering, yes still wondering where I will be this time next year. 

I know I'm still lucky and blessed to have a job but I still want to find my passion. I'm thinking of teaching preschoolers. It sure is a lot more fun than dealing with adults exchanging currencies or sending money. 

I know at some point in my life, I dreamt of being here but I feel like I've been here for too long. I know I've never really stayed long enough in my job. I just think that I should try other jobs and keep looking for the one that I enjoy doing rather than dragging myself to work everyday and dreading coming to work. 

I think I'm almost in the verge of throwing up whenever I think about work. I'm not just very happy about being where I am now. Okay so, I just have to remind myself that I'm not going to do this forever. I will find my passion (Awww but I have to wait till next year because of some plans that I don't want to screw up) and follow what I want to do. I should do something that makes me happy and look forward to a new day everyday. 

I still believe everything's going to be okay. I'll keep my faith and I know God has a better plan for me. :-)

Tired...

Counting the months and the days... I'm in the verge of getting tired of being here... I wanna be somewhere else... I wanna go home... I miss my old job in the Phil. I miss teaching online***deep sigh***  oh God! Please give me more patience and understanding...